a love song to heroin, and why I jump

Dopamine; Heroin

I know that this ain’t right
and I know that you ain’t love
But if you keep those eyes
I just might stay with ya
You are killing me killing me killing me
Oh baby set me free set me free set me free
But you are what i need what i need what i need
Oh i am falling deep, catch me, see i can’t breathe
baby, you are crazy
i am breaking
this ain’t what it seems
you got me
Tearing myself apart
I’m picking at our beginnings
You’d rather Bite than bark
I’m thinking that we been finished
you pull me back, That spark
You say it can’t be diminished,
But this is ashes from art
dear
Wanna be together but you don’t try that hard
I wanna be forever but our future’s just to dark
And you just been my treasure but keeping you’s too much
Thought I knew myself but I see it was fools love
You’re my dopamine; (Heroin), feeling like my only drug
You’re not healthy for my well being you’re my only love
I just took a look see my veins are incomplete
I been hateful of myself you’re just a sin I seek
You can’t keep me clean, you won’t love for free
Lord knows that I tried I can’t live lover free
Sorry I believed you when you were loving me
Then you threw me to the side guess you weren’t that much to me
And I been feeling so addicted
You got me so wound up round ya soul I feel so twisted
Know that you’re not safe I’m outta place I’m so conflicted
Wanna call it love but you’re a face there’s something missing
You got me prancing and prancing again
Dancing and dancing again
playing ’round the fact that I’m nothing without you
You gave me nothing but doubt too
This song is called Dopamine, by KiD and Deanna… some lofi beats artist. I’ve had this song on repeat for 2 days now. I seriously cannot stop listening, even in class through one headphone, at the gym during intense training sessions. It has become a background theme song in my life right now, I feel so strongly connected to it because of the lyrics. The artists intended to sing about a failing relationship between two humans. I interpret it as a failing relationship between myself and Heroin. My first true love. “I wanna be forever but our future is just too dark”. I have been clean for about 16 months now. My life has changed significantly, got out of a relationship, into a new one and out of that one and into the best one I have experienced yet, a thorough relationship with myself and my Higher Power. I miss a girl, i miss her more than I have ever missed another human being before. She brings me a lot of joy through her beautiful imperfections. Something that Narcotics Anonymous has taught me, to accept others just the way they are and place no expectations on one another, that way you will be forever surprised threw any acts of kindness or love that they express to you. We talk about spirituality, stresses and anxiety, future goals and plans, relationships…I am trying to incredibly hard to keep my feelings at bay for her. I would be devastated if I ever did anything to ruin this friendship in anyway or make it awkward. I pray about solution and as much as I want to skip ahead and pursue her as a love interest I know that building a good friendship has absolutely no risk and 100% pure benefits. Every solid relationship seems to begin from a good friendship, so ive been told. I’ve yet to experience anything like this. She misses me. I am afraid of heights so I started skydiving school. I dont like public speaking so I have been working on a podcast. I have learned in recovery that sometimes God places the most blissful and serene experiences, right on the edge of your biggest fear and just far enough outside of your comfort zone to force you to take a leap of faith. That’s what recovery was to me when it was all so new and foreign. That’s what skydiving is everytime you make an exit from the aircraft. I have been off the social media since the first of the month. I realized that being down here in Orange County, away from my family and friends in Northern California, that often times I unconsciously depend on social media to feel “connected” to the outside world. I have been feeling so lonely since I got off the app, but i’m just letting myself ride this wave of loneliness. “I don’t always like the way that I feel, but today I do know that what I am feeling is real.” I am at peace with my life today, I jump from planes to calm my mind. There is something about racing to your death from 12,500 feet in the air that brings about a sudden sense of peace, and then upon pulling your chute. the beautiful sight and noise of that fabric opening flawlessly above your head to slow your decent. Then pull your toggles to full flare and just for a second or two….there is absolutely no noise, you’re too high up to hear the birds, and in a stall there is absolutely no noise from the wind, no traffic, no text tone, no email, nothing except a beautiful view of the earth, a feeling of relief after your chute opens without malfunction, and a calm peace of mind as you glide above the earth’s surface for the next few minutes. That’s why I jump. That’s why I am clean. the feeling of recovery is comparable to the feeling of skydiving. Initially anxiety and uncertainty overwhelm you as you climb into the plane and make your ascent, or as you become introduced to Narcotics Anonymous and attend your first meeting accompanied by terror. the plane evens out as does the nerves after meeting your first few NA contacts. You meet a sponsor, you take your position to exit the aircraft, the idea of never using drugs again and giving up your will and your life to a program you have no experience with is just as terrifying as your first freefall. you make the leap into the step working guide, you exit the aircraft for your first jump, your circle of awareness barely extends beyond your eyeballs as you are overwhelmed by the initial experience, unable to even focus on your altimeter, just staring blankly at it as you stare blankly at the readings with absolutely no clue what any of these words or mantras mean. So foreign, you receive hand signals from your instructors and instantly respond and try not to flail as sky trash, you call your sponsor with what you feel to be a life ending predicament, they guide you through with a calm and reassuring tone, you regain control of your freefall, you regain control over the situation in your life and realize it wasn’t actually that big of a deal. Instructors continue to prompt you with hand signals and you begin to calm the nerves and respond more fluidly, you call your sponsor and update him excited that you finally learned to accept some constructive criticism from another member, and are mindblown at the fact at they actually care for you and aren’t just negligibly putting you down. You lock on at altitude, wave off your instructors and pull, you take your first commitment at a meeting and become a service member, the chute opens and controllability check is smooth, people acknowledge you at meetings and tell you thank you for making the coffee, they tell you that they appreciate you and that circle of awareness gets a little bigger as you lock on your drop zone. You finally learn what it’s like to live in the present moment, you smile at the sight of looking down at earth from 3,000 feet as you glide, you complete your first few steps, you feel accomplished and at the same time realize the light of recovery and potential has just begun to shine through through the darkness and despair of using. life can be happy, maybe… you fly your pattern and come in for your landing, eyes fixed on the horizon, stage 1 flare, full flare, feet are on the ground, your sponsee calls…you bring him back to earth. You completed your first jump, you helped your first addict in need. Full Fucking Circle. I love you. The sky is the limit. Together We Stand Alone.
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00:14

im not technologically competent, so i cant explain why my page hasnt been working the last few months..friend says perhaps some type of coding error or something. tonight i got to finally put some of my nursing skills to use. poor bastard really fucked himself up tonight. i was leaving the gym and heard an abnormally loud down shift, followed by what i presume to be some blown engine componets….followed by multiple loud crash and bangs. got across the street to see home boys nice evo 8 and another sedan wrapped around the stop light pole. this is the second time ive been hands on in some type of major car accident. i throw the hazards on and run over to the cars, the typical bystanders all crowded around one of the cars fantically freaking the fuck out. something about chaos and uncertainty brings a calm feeling about me. I dont know how to explain it other than the exact opposite of what someone would normally feel during an adrenaline dump. or maybe thats just it, thats my scene but i felt calm, serene and at home with all of the blood, broken glass and spastic spectators. i told one dude to call 911 and proceeded to tell everyone else to back away and then there was an off duty cop (so i assume by his mustache and haircut) trying to ask the driver where his license was and where he worked and lived. so my smartass kicked in and said hey bro why dont we make sure hes not bleeding out or paralyzed first, im sure his license isnt going anywhere. i was able to get the drivers attention and then the good old nursing head to toe assessment came next. after confirming that home boy wasnt going to die on us at least anytime soon, a woman ran up in scrubs looking a little overwhelmed by the situation, she was a PA, gave her a little SBAR and then the firefighters showed up and went to work on getting the car doors off to get the kid out and after i asked the PA if she was okay to brief the medics i got in my car and left. i know i didnt conduct any heroic acts or even any life saving ones at that. but i must say that it did feel really fucking good to show up to an unexpected event and actually have a slight idea of how to make things just a little smoother rather than add to the chaos and fuckery. during those few minutes i felt right at home, somthing i havent felt in a long time, maybe even since the last accident in 2013 with my buddy on the east coast. i know ive lost my touch to writing, and i often just ramble on but i think im going to set a goal, get back to basics and try to write even just once per week. ive been clean for a little over a year now, october 22 is the day. i need to get back to writing for me, and not worry about making it flow or even sound pretty. i know i often mention the music that i write to, this evening im jamming out to a great little group called SALES. some low key lofi stuff. my life is so beautiful today…. my 2 and a half year old daughter took a 3 hour nap on my chest. that hasnt happened since she learned to walk. i started a podcast. today im trying to be a student of life in every aspect. when i was using i was so isolated and close minded from any and all things of life other than drugs. i thought i knew everything there was to know about knowing, and had no interest in expanding my mental horizon. for that i am grateful, i am grateful that i came to this realization of how much of a scumbag i was and i am grateful that my perception of life today allows me to learn from mistakes and misfortunes rather than point fingers and blame. i thank god for narcotics anonymous and i thank narcotics anonymous for god because without one i wouldnt have found the other. if youre not an addict you may not understand this next statement  but… i believe that being an addict is to some extent quite an unfair advantage over the normal human being. the idea that someone is willing to go to any length to accomplish something by any means is known in the military as a “pipe hitter” and the lengths i went to as an addict to secure my package or whatever you would like to call it, was nothing short of astonishing and absolutely absurd. i know ive got spelling errors and punction fuck ups all over this entry but im not going to fix them so i apologize. back to the topic, i was a pipe hitter for a destructive, suicidal cause. being that addicts will do anything to get high, is actually a very admirable trait when you switch out heroin with success. the principle and mindset behind addiction is something that can be harnessed into an unstoppable force for good. i believe that if an addict can overcome the hardships and obstacles of active using, he or she or i can truly be capable of anything. we are the only ones that set limits on our potential. we are the only ones who can decide when to quit or give up, no one else can place caps on our success. i love my life today, it is a million light years away from what i had pictured for myself just a few short years ago. the relationships i have formed, mended, and ended have been life changing all in their own way. i think im going to bring over some posts from my old page and get serious about this. i also want to work on getting my skydiving license, publish my podcast, start training jiu jitsu and do a million other things on top of my nursing school but…priorities i guess? something ive never been good at. im grateful as fuck. i love you, goodnight

The sky is the limit.

just got home from anaheim 1 SX race. finals are on tuesday and thursday and im on the brink of a potential disaster, proctor exam did not go well and dropped my grade 9 percent. now i need to pull a miracle 90 percent out of my ass on my med surge final. fuck that. i have a problem, for some reason i cannot sit down to study. i allow myself to constantly get distracted and I do not know why. idk where im going with this im just rambling about what is running through my mind. im very disappointed in myself, but i know that there is always something to learn with every mistake and I guess i’m just good at making things harder than they need to be. case in point. ill be alright. God has a plan for me. a plan better than one that i could ever possibly formulate for myself. so i just have to grind out these next few days….4 days of intense studies, I can do it. I know I can. The sky is the limit!

the girl with the hand tattoo

ive never thought about anyone as much as I think of her. Im going back to basics, the way i used to write when i first started blogging, no corrections, no spelling corrections, grammar, etc. im just going to let it flow and however it comes out is how it will stay. i think about her more than i think about anything else. she brought me joy from the moment i met her. the moment she answered the door on the first evening that i picked her up for dinner at lucilles. the smile on her face is enough to stop you dead in your tracks. you can see love in her eyes. we talked and laughed and attempted to eat all of the dessert. it just felt natural, normally theres a slight awkward feeling with someone new but with her it just felt…right. like it was supposed to be. the stars had aligned for us to meet, my higher power worked his magic for me to be fortunate enough to spend this evening with her. now when it comes to girls, normally they may have my attention for a week or so, then i will eventually forget about them or move on or become distracted by something or someone else. This is not the case with her, every single day i wake up and i think about her, she came to visit for Thanksgiving. i havent stopped thinking avbout her since then, not a day has gone by and now its january 4th. everything i do i think about how much  better it would be with her, everytime were together it’s just laughs and nothing but good vibes and great times. i know it sounds crazy but i think this all means something if its been months and i still cant shake this feeling. I pray about it and i pray for guidance. im going to let it be. she tells me she misses me. fuck. im so busy, shes there im here. she just got out of a relationship. im in nursing school, trying to get by, we both dont need any added pressure so im going to leave it. she makes me happy. today was one of the first days in a long time that i felt frustrated more than any other emotion. i missed my cutting score on my exam by 1 percent. now i need a 90 percent on my final to pass the class. stress, my higher power is trying to teach me soemthing, every mistake is a lesson learned. ive been trying to cut back on social media, i quit tobacco on christmas on the way up to the top of mt baldy. i need to go to a meeting i havent been to an NA meeting in a few weeks, longest ever. i need to get my priorities back in line, i still read my jsut for today every morning when i wake up. i love narcotics anonymous. shes always on my mind. im going to keep these feelings to myself and if its meant to be then when the time is right something will happen, im grateful that were such good friends as of now. its past midnight

July 19 2016

its been far too long since I’ve written anything here but as i sit here at school a couple hours before my class listening to “myth” by beach house… i can’t help but feel tempted to get myself back on track. so much has happened in the last 20 something days since my last entry. I’ve lost a friend, had another end up in the hospital with a smashed in face because some guys decided they wanted to attack someone one night. I’ve been dealing with this constant back pain for a few months now and i have to have surgery pretty soon, theres been issues with my relationship that all stem from things I’ve done. I’ve changed sponsors in my program, lost my home meeting, gained some new meetings. made mistakes, fixed them. but overall i have just been feeling a little down lately. sometimes helpless. i feel sometimes I’ve done too much damage in my relationship to fix it, I’ve drifted away from my spirituality lately, I’ve lost a lot of motivation. I’ve helped a friend get off heroin completely. I’ve been looked at as a savior, but i still look at myself as a failure sometimes. i struggle with my own expectations of my self… i can’t help but want to throw myself a pity party when something goes wrong. my mind tells me to give up on a daily basis. life has been more of a challenge clean for me then ever before. i never had any problems when i was getting high because i was too far gone and too detached from reality to even see consequences any further than 10 minutes away. i just stayed numb. I’ve always put so much effort into trying to fix other peoples problems that i seemed to let my own stack up against me. i struggle knowing that i have caused so much pain to the girl i love all in times of which i cannot recall. i feel sad because i cannot remember things about our relationship that are so commonly remembered by regular people. like the first time i told her i loved her…i wonder if i even did love her then. i have so many people who love and support me today but in my mind i still feel alone, lost and trying to find my way. up against the odds in all aspects of my life i have to remind myself that as a former heroin addict I’m supposed to end up dead because thats what the statistics say. no matter how well my day goes today i still go to sleep with my mind telling me i don’t deserve to stay clean or have a good or even half way decent life. i know that I’m happy if I’m not using but sometimes that isn’t enough for me. what is? i just need to pray more. recovery isn’t always rainbows and good shit, sometimes it sucks pretty bad even on a good day. but i try hard to focus on everything I’ve gained but sometimes i just don’t like the way i am. i have to continue being that successful quitter every day. it will get better.

September 22, 2016

I’ve lived thru 9 months of recovery so far, coming on 10 months now. i still don’t know myself, i still feel detached from reality at times, like now, I’m sitting in a coffee shop where i should be studying but I’m writing instead. I’m sitting in the corner listening to “fake you out” by twenty one pilots and if you know anything about that song its exactly how i feel right now. they say I’m not alone but i feel petrified… i feel hopeless often lately and my mind jogs back thru the days of running a muck chasing a high and part of me misses it for some sick, fucked up reason. i know i can’t go back but at the same time i miss the constant adrenaline rush of going places i don’t belong, doing things i shouldn’t be doing. running with that bad crowd was appealing at times. i even accepted the fact on more than one occasion that i was destined to be smacked out on H or opiates for the rest of my existence. i pray often, i have become extremely spiritual and i think thats why sometimes i feel scared because i know how much i can suffer when my spirit is low. i know how dangerous i can be but i also know what I’m capable of. I’m sick, and i always will be. I’m tired. science shows that resisting temptation is more mentally and emotionally exhausting than it is to just give in. theres so many reasons to throw in the towel today. i feel overwhelmed, beaten down. and really lonely. I’m closer to a god of my own today but lately it doesn’t feel like it. i used to be so afraid of what anyone had to say i just knew that silence gave me space. im tired of waiting for the doctors to fix the issues with my back, i lose motivation I’m constantly in pain i know the solution is in the picture now but I’m just sick of waiting and in the back of my mind i know its what i deserve for all the pain i made everyone else feel. but it breaks me, i would do anything to feel free, even though I’m free from active addiction today my mind is still imprisoned at times. school is stressful AF i just need to get active again, i need my skateboard and my rock wall back in my life dude, for real. but just for today, i won’t get high cuz i don’t wanna end up as one of the statistics.

Attitude and Gratitude

As i sit here aimlessly scrolling through my Instagram feed, listening to a song called Pure, by Blackbird Blackbird i cant help but feel an internal happiness. I haven’t written in quite sometime other than my brief check in a few weeks ago around my 1 year milestone. I miss the internal release I get when I write. October 22nd marked 1 year for me…1 year since I have put any mind-altering, mood changing substances into my body..my substance of choice was Heroin… I capitalize Heroin because for many years i held that drug above everyone and everything else. Heroin ruled my world as well as the world of many others around me. Today my God rules my world. Today I don’t wake up wishing I had died in my sleep from overdoses or bad dope as I used to. Today my life has meaning, and I see it everywhere I look. My life has changed so significantly since I found the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous in December of 2014…in just 3 short years a miracle of sorts has happened. Today I live with purpose, I live clean; which if you have ever suffered from any type of addiction you understand how abnormal of a state of being it is. Today I am a present father to my daughter, a loving son to my parents, a mentor of an older brother to my younger sister, a nursing student, a positive influence to everyone around me. I love my life and i truly cherish every single relationship that is present in my life today. As i’m sitting here in my studio apartment, I have chills running down my spine just thinking about how truly blessed and lucky I am, as well as how much the neighbors probably hate hearing this song on repeat this evening. In my opinion we are but spiritual beings living out a human experience and through our own perception we have the ability to make every single day as great or as miserable as we so choose. At the end of the day that angry boss or that asshole who cut you off in traffic cannot determine the outcome of your day…we all have the power to see every situation and experience in our own light. If you choose to let the little things bother you or bring you down, you are truly missing out on the gift of life itself. Life is such an amazing opportunity that each and every one of us get to take control of and dictate our own future, what better deal than that? to wake up every morning with a smile on your face and love in your heart and go out and touch other’s lives with positivity. Whether it’s a simple smile to the attendant at the cash register or a stranger passing by or the opportunity to save someone’s life. The world already has enough assholes and hatred why do we need to continue to add to those numbers? Looking back just a few short years ago I never thought I would ever have this mentality or perception. I thought the world was out to get me and if you didn’t have what I needed or wanted then you had better get the fuck out of my way. Now I converse with people not to determine what they can do for me, rather what can i do for them or how can I make their day just a little bit better. I want to put smiles on other’s faces and I want to continue to express gratitude and positivity to the people around me. If no one has told you that they love you today… I LOVE YOU. It feels good to be back. It feels good to write again, the winter season is upon us and I look forward to those cold mornings that I can rise with the sun and a cup of coffee on the balcony and throw some feelings down here and share them with whoever reads it. If this message only makes it to one person, and if they crack a smile or better yet spread that smile to one more soul….then my job here has been completed, I do this for me, but I do it for you as well. Just remember this, no matter where you are in your life, you’re right where you’re supposed to be. Keep hanging on and remember I LOVE YOU. Goodnight.

Three hundred and sixty five days fucking clean

October 22 marks 1 year since I’ve last used heroin, opiates, or any other mind altering substance including alcohol. Fuck  yes. My biggest milestone to date. I’ve gotten so close to a year multiple times then always managed to fuck it up, nothing will stop me this time. I’m grinding! Hard! I am getting back into writing, things are so hectic with school but I’m getting there! I’ll be back soon I just needed to write this piece down

I’m hurting

I hurt her, I broke her heart, I take full responsibility for this whole fucked up situation. I even broke a promise, I was scared. Fuck. I may have just lost the best woman who was ever stepped into my life. We’re meeting tomorrow at the beach to hopefully reconcile what has transpired. So much has happened since my last entry, I fucking miss writing. I’m going to my buddies house to help his parents do an intervention, I miss writing I’ve got to get back into my flow… 3 weeks away from 1 year clean. I can do this. There’s so much to write about. I’ll be back I promise. Things are so heavy with school and my daughters mother and now her too. I’m sorry. Words can’t do justice for the way my heart feels right now. I was emotionally reckless and had to learn a lesson at her expense. Fuck. At least I have my daughter. And this outlet. I’ve got some explaining to do. 

“This is our song dad”

When she spoke those words my world turned upside down. There we were, her first time in my new apartment my 2 year old daughter sat on my counter top dancing to PPP by beach house as I stood there over my electric stovetop cooking cheese tortellini for lunch, I looked to her and asked her if she liked the song, “I like this song, this is our song dad” I couldn’t help but let the tears run, my whole world stopped, everything I’m going through right now paused completely, not a worry about finals or things I still need for the apartment or groceries or bills or being alone or the money. Nothing mattered, and after she said those words I couldn’t help but fast forward 20+ years at her wedding to play this song during the father daughter dance. This small human has me wrapped around her finger, no matter what else is going on in my life the good or the bad, she has the power to take me out of myself for even just a moment. She shows me the purest form of love. God shines through her when I need it the most. Everything is going to be okay just for today. Tomorrow may burn me down but today is all I really need. I love you so much Paisley, maybe one day you will read this. You make being a dad the greatest gift on this planet.