its been a few days since my first entry. today i feel sad, angry, confused and somewhat relieved but lonely. yesterday my girlfriend told me she was packing a bag to go stay with her sister for a week or so while she tries to clear her head and work on herself in order to better our relationship…theres a lot of pieces on my mind…i dont know why shes back at the house. she said she didnt care how much driving she had to do she just wanted to make this happen but now shes at the house talking with her dad….what i find even more absurd is that this morning, being the first time i have seen her dad since she made this move after having a lengthy talk with him about the whole situation….he didnt even mention anything at all this morning about the situation but rather just acted as if everything is still normal…i just dont understand this. im hurt and many other things but im trying to be strong for Paisley. at this point i feel like im on my own team down here. which i know im not but i feel lonely. i have so much pressure from every angle in my life right now, midterms for school, study group commitments and assignments taking care of paisley, hitting my meetings, and still helping my girlfriend with all of her issues. i feel like i just need to detach from this situation. im thankful that getting loaded hasnt entered my mind. i havent even considered picking up any heroin which is awesome for me…. i know i need to move on but my mind is scared of this  change, scared because this relationship has been the only constant in my life down here in OC since ive gotten clean…the relationship has been there through my using, through my clean time. all i know down here has either been drugs or this relationship….its hard to let go of something you have invested countless hours and bottom of the heart emotions and conversations but at some point you have to remove yourself from the situation and look at the bigger picture and see if this is all actually worth it….of course it’s worth it to try but at the same time misery can only go on for so long before it becomes dangerous to your health. im fighting strong though it’s been over a year and a half of steady decline of our relationship. ive heard her say she cant wait to have a future together and raise a family, and ive also heard her say she wishes she could go to sleep and never wake up again. i noticed that it is very difficult for me to keep my focus on the positives in my life, but thats all it is, very difficult, not impossible. today was the first time we formally met to exchange Paisley and she cried and said “mom stay with me, come with us” that was hard for her to hear and she cried. things will get more difficult before they get better but they will never be impossible. she wants to talk

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s