we talked last night we broke up. it hurts but its a sigh of relief. im hopeful that things will change i feel bad that i feel relieved. i know i need to keep pushing on. im grateful for narcotics anonymous and my friends who are there for me today. i know that nothing is impossible or too great of an obstacle. everything can be overcome and this is no exception. i am doing my best to keep my focus on my school studies and keep my motivation and faith high. im trying to improve on my prayer and i need to get back to writing on my steps. i feel slow and exhausted, not so much emotionally as mentally and physically. im tired i have so many things racing through my head trying to prioritize my feelings and plans of action. i need new headphones for the gym. i need to sit down with her and set some ground rules and boundaries because even though im living just next door only a few feet away i think its imperative that we do our best not to spend time together because we need to act like we are really broken up. things wont get any better if were still spending time together when were supposed to be focusing on our own issues. im trying to stay focused on the positive, one of my best friends just went to his first NA meeting and hes starting to make positive changes in his life too, just in time for our Big Sur backpacking trip. its going to be spiritual as fuck and i cant wait. i need to get away physically from this situation so i can allow my mind to rest. ill be able to check where my head is really at when im separated from this situation as a whole. clinicals are about to start. things are going to get really fucking heavy and ive got to be on my A game. im struggling with school, still making good grades but i know i can improve. it feels good to write, i feel relieved when i get my feelings down on this screen from out of my head. even though my head is telling me this story isnt making sense to anyone that reads it, i know its okay because right now its for me, i need to stay centered and it will start flowing soon thats alright. ive gotta focus on the little victories… making my bed, waking up and staying in the gym and hitting my meetings and pushing myself has to increase even more. ive been going through a funk where i dont want to study or work on school work at all, i dont want to push myself in the gym i feel like im just pulling myself through my workouts and im plateauing. i need to get back in my aggressive grind. my mind has been overwhelming me with emotions and trying to organize all the chaos i have going on in my head. it feels good to get it out. i feel like im halfway free. im keeping my head up and things are getting better. i still dont feel like were actually broken up since im just living next door, so im trying to not worry about her because for a long time in our relationship i always felt like if i left her side she would crumble and i feel like that was one of the only reasons that we were still together, in fact im actually happy that she seems to be doing better without me at this point i want her to be an independent girl and be alright with being on her own. i dont have any hard feelings toward her but im proud of her, and time will tell if maybe one day we do get back together but my biggest struggle is worrying that she is okay. i hope she continues to grow and flourish as a successful young woman and make those improvements to keep getting better in her mental state. i feel a sense of relief knowing that shes not going to be asking me to do everything for her. but i really feel like i need to be in a different location to actually completely comprehend everything thats going on. i appreciate living with her cousin and the generosity of her family but i feel like in order for me to completely move on and only focus on myself i need to spend some time alone, in solitude where i can appreciate everything i have in my life without anything relating to her. i know i have to have a balance between what i want, and what works best for Paisley but i feel like i do need my own place. something i can call my own and look after on my own. because ever since i got out of the Marine Corps i have been sharing everything with her and nothing has been my own. and its not that im selfish i didnt mind it in a sense like that, rather i want things of my own that i am solely responsible for and things that i can directly control or change if i want….thats all for now. back to class


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