lonely but not alone

i think I’m writing this for you, or maybe its for me but I’m hoping you can hear me. this isn’t my first time here, i used to write on wordpress but shit got deep and i got a little uncomfortable knowing that my deepest and darkest thoughts had my name attached to them for my family to read at the leisure/torture? so I’m starting up again and I’m keeping this run anonymous. if you already know who i am then great but thats not the point, my point is to share a story and my strength and my hope through that story and hopefully this will reach just one person and that one person will gain even the slightest sliver of hope imaginable. and that person will save their own life. thats the twisted part about addiction…no one can save you except for your own poor bastard of an internal spirit. not mom, not dad or the judge or even your unborn kids. i decided to start writing again because I’m going through some shit… some rather heavy and emotionally uncomfortable shit at that. i was trying to start up a new wordpress and accidentally stumbled across my last entry of my old page. i couldn’t help but read the horror and sorrow as disturbing recollections of that dark evening overwhelm my mind. my last entry on a wordpress page described my last relapse with my one true love, Heroin…and her name is capitalized because she is important to me, just like God is to you, and thankfully me too. it’s been nearly 9 months since that reckless night and the amount of spiritual ground i have traversed since that night is proof in and of itself of a Higher Power working in my life. notice the capitalization there too…because that shit is important in my life today….my moral and subconscious compass of a sense. I’ve battled heroin and opiate addiction for about a decade of my life. I’m at the halfway point of my 20’s. I’m a United States Marine, a son, a father, a brother, a boyfriend, and a student. I’m very average, i was never the worst student in school and certainly never the best. i was loved by your parents and invited into your house as i sold drugs to your friends. i always appeared warm and polite but i was always scheming for some way to rip you off for my next high. i was a loose cannon for some time. i will get more into my background in another post but for now I’m here to start a new beginning, and share my message of recovery and tell you how i did it and how i continue to do it every day. living as an addict is definitely not an easy task, rather quite a bear, a grizzly at that. but the daily satisfaction of retaining that sliver of recovery, when constantly acknowledged can give an addict the daily upper hand on the average human being. for someone who spent every waking hour trying to fire up that reward system in the brain with the only way they know how to completely disengage from that lifestyle without killing themselves even for just 24 hours is an absolute miracle. and if you’re a regular person, we as addicts don’t expect you to understand because you won’t…its just that simple our brains work different. and as I’ve endured this journey I’ve learned more and more everyday about how that mentality has affected my life since my earliest memories. thats the thing about addiction that I’ve learned, although it very frequently does include moral failure and extreme manifestations of our deepest character defects…at the end of the day that addict was born with that mentality its just a matter of self awareness and urgency to arrest those thoughts. “it is happening again” rings the chorus of Beach House’s silver soul  as i hear it for the 30th plus time today…even though I’ve put the drugs down my addiction still manifests itself in many ways which goes to show the whole idea of addiction lies far beyond the drugs. now I’m not too sure why i began explaining myself in the first place its not like it matters. but back to the whole reason why i began writing again in the first place. I’m going through some tough times right now which is another reason why i think I’ve been engaging in so much beach house lately…i just read an article about the band and they were described as the perfect example of describing the feeling of loss through their music…grief, sadness, emptiness and loneliness and the loss of romance. all of those feelings i can relate to at this point in my life…notice that i am still extremely satisfied with my personal life right now with being clean today, appreciating my addiction for what it is and using that mentality to my advantage but that emptiness and sadness comes from my surroundings and my immediate family. my relationship with my girlfriend is crumbling crumbled. yesterday was our 3 year anniversary. i feel empty, somewhat hopeless because of where our relationship stands. for the first year of our relationship i was in my active addiction… she got pregnant after about a month and a half after we met, which really means after only a few days given that i was still in the Marine Corps and only saw her on the weekends that i didn’t have work. since i got clean I’ve noticed significant depression on her end, at first we thought it may just be a phase of postpartum then it got worse. each day is a struggle for her and i would be selfish to only acknowledge my personal struggles in this conflict and not her own internal battles. however, with all of that being said it still does not change the fact that i am directly involved in this conflict. i am the only other person in her life who has any idea that this situation is as bad as it really is. because of Narcotics Anonymous i have a strong spiritual foundation today which allows me to endure the more stressful parts of life with a generally positive mindset but that spiritual tank needs to be filled every so often when it gets expended and my spiritual tank gets drained rather heavily every single day in this relationship. i know its not completely her fault as with addiction isn’t completely the addicts fault. but after acknowledgement, it does become her responsibility to take action to rectify the problems. the depression has swept her down deep into the dark hole and it leads her down into a spiral of suicidal ideations at times and many, many emotional and psychological breakdowns…and it hurts me to watch her go through that. my heart hurts and that is one thing I’ve never been able to handle…and my higher power knows that…i can handle quite a bit of psychical and emotional pain but the people around me that i love being hurt, breaks me down more than anything else in this world. i really struggle with that because I’m naturally a healer and i want everyone around me to be okay. thats when I’m okay. but i see her struggling but not taking action and thats where it gets very difficult because my ego says well i am beating my addiction..i am taking action to rectify my fucking issues so why can’t she?! well i wasn’t always ready to take action or acknowledge my issues. i didn’t get right to work i acknowledged my issues and then buried myself deeper. i need to write this because things seem to click when you get them out of your head and onto paper, or in this case the computer screen. i want to feel loved. i want to feel appreciated. i know I’ve done tremendous amounts of homework to better understand her situation and i know i never will just like she will never fully understand my addiction and I’ve done numerous things to help her get things straightened out. but there comes a time when you have to love someone from a distance. in my head I’m already there, i want what is best for her but I’ve got to keep my best interests in mind as well. I’m trying to raise a family, provide for a family and study nursing and medicine while at the same time be the kickstand for her during this phase…thats fucking heavy because at the end of the day I’ve got to stay clean in order to be present in any of these areas let alone be effective and competent in them.  life is difficult but i know I’m right where i need to be. I’m going to keep listening to beach house and let myself feel lonely and gloomy but I’m also going to pray about this, I’m going to continue to recover and I’m not going to give up. i left her late last year for one night…and something ill never forget was when i called my dad and told him that i had left her and he told me i will not have any regrets as long as i can honestly tell myself that i gave it my all, and that i exhausted all of my resources before i made my decision, and it was a impulsive and hasty decision at that. today i am living to give it my all, I’m exhausting all of my resources before i make this decision. my heart weighs heavy but I’m optimistic. i feel better getting this out. i may not always like the way that i feel but at least today i know that the way i feel is real. i know that i will never truly be alone. you are with me.